My diary

I have decided to do a diary page on my blog but not post it on my main page as not everyone wantsm to hear about me feeling crappy so I have decided to do it like this so if you want to read it you can if not then that's ok too. When I started my blog I made a promis to myself that I would be truthful about my feelings but I find myself doing the same on here as I do in real life putting on a brave face so to speak so this is my page to how I really feel nothing to do with crafts but my ear problem and how it effects mine and my families life
13/6/11

 I am leaving it way to long between posting in this diary sorry you need to be more honest with yourself so what has gone on since I last posted on here,well after quite a bit of chasing up ie phoning my GP's secretary more or less on a daily basis I have finally got an appointment to see this Richard Irving I have asked to see I get to see him the end of this month and thanks to a new follower and an ENT Dr herself  I know have an idea of what to ask for to help me get back to some normallity yeah I know. Anyway really makes you feel good when your own husband and daughter basically say well it will be a waste of time cos you won't do what he tells you anyway  why won't I because the stuff I have been told to do before I had no guidance with and no support so didn't know if I was doing it right or not and then when you are told well if you don't feel like it don't do it well we all know what route that takes you.Am I apprehensive (big word for me) yes I am what if nothing comes of it and I am stuck like this forever at least at the moment there is a hope however small and what if things do get better what then I have been like this for so long now I can't remember how to act as I did before so what if I can't cope with being normal ha well normalish.the councilor woman that I was seeing has said she wants me to see someone above her (don't know if I posted this in last post)no Ididn't as it was on the 20 may I really thought I had posted about it but obviously not well about a week and half before things got to a head and well to put it short and sweet I was going to throw myself off a block of flats that is just down the road and it was my oown daughter that stopped me so I told the councilor this and that is why she wants me to see another person I di have an appointment but had to cancel as I have another appointment that day how exiting my life is.we have 2 weddings coming up 1 next week which I don't want to go to at all but at least I won't have to stay long and the other is next month which we are invited to the whole day how the hell I am going to get through that I don't know but what makes it worse is Phil doesn't enjoy himself because of me and he keeps saying what is the point if you are just going to be ill I understand what he means but it doesn't make me feel good it makes me feel guilty and as if I am spoiling things for him he says none of his friends know the real me but to be honest what is the real me I think I have forgotten or is this it is this the real me now I hope not but I don't know.If I am to be really honest I just want to kick every one out turn off the tv and be left alone poeple say they understand but they really have no idea they don't know how painful it is and what I have to go through being in a room with poeple talking yeah just talking even me going to see this councilor hurts like hell I come out and my ears are throbbing and burning aching and I feel sick thats with out all the emotional stuff that goes with it so I know they don't understand they can't.I had another dizzy fit thursday and passed out again getting fed up with that I can tell you .Well I am all moaned out at the moment and my emotions are gonna get the better of me so see you soon maybe......

 09/05/2011

 Well what a week and a half I have had well longer than that actually the update is got intouch with my audiologist who turned round and said he couldn't refer me to anyone as he didn't have the authority to do so so it was back on the Phone to GP's secretary who said my GP wanted to speak to me anyway so he phoned me back I told him what my audiologist had said and my GP denied saying he had said that about my audiologist so anyway he said he would write to the primaery care trust or what ever it is to see if they will fund me going to Surrey I asked his secreary how long it will take and she said she couldn't say as she didn't know how often they held meetings so I waited a week and a bit and then with things just getting on top of me I got intouch with PALS (patient advisory liason service) I spoke to a lady who said she would find out what is going on for me,she phoned me back about an hour later and said that the PCT hadn't recieved a letter yet so I have to wait til the end of this week and phone her back if I have heard nothing by then in the mean time I had an email from someone telling me that there is someone based at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital who is willing to see me why can't my GP find these things out why is it down to me fishing and asking around.Anyway last week was a really bad week for me being really dizzy and passing out with it and also the ear pain I was really down and fed up,well it all came to a head tonight and ended in a big family row with me storming out the house and heading off the block of flats down the road to throw myself off yep honest I so fed up of putting my family through this that I was really going to do it.So what stopped me Amy she came running after me and screaming and shouting at me in the street,Amy and Phil both said I was being selfish but well I s'pose in a way yeah I am but not really as how I look at it is if I'm not here they haven't got to worry about me and they can get on better with their lives and I wouldn't be a burden on them any more.So tomorrow I am going to try to get in touch with my councilor as I should have seen her last week but had to cancel and she was s'posed to phone me to make a new appointment and hasn'tso this is where I am at at the mo not a happy place and feeling as though I am banging my head on a brick wall and getting nowhere so until next time .....

 14 April 2011

well after the events that unfolded monday bloody NHS I have an appointment with my GP in morning to see why I can't be refered to another audiologist (I can type that word better than I can say it) and I am not looking forward to it as I think it will be another dead end for some reason I can't be refered to another audiologist as I am still seeing one but the one I am seeing has said he doesn't know how to help me so here we go again you see I had to find this audiologistand ask my GP to refer to him as the one I was seeing was not helping now he is not helping so I have found a couple of others and they say that yes they can help me but I need a referal from my GP but he won't do it every thing I have had done or person I have seen I have had to find myself.Really getting frustrated with it all now is it so wrong to want my life back or at least some of it I know I possibly won't be able to go to anymore gigs but if I ever get the chance as in get back to that stage then I will but realistically I know that isn't going to happen which is one thing I really do miss but it's the little things I miss to like being able to go shopping and go to the pub for a drink with Phil and friends,I mean we have 2 weddings coming up this year and to be quite honest I don't want to go to either of them as I know I will be ill for a few days afterwards and Phil won't enjoy himself either as he will be concerned for me so what is the point.Friends say they understand but do they really I don't think so I think it's one of those things that you can't understand until it happens to you as sound is something we all take for granted unless you are born deaf of course anyway will let you know how I get on with GP later

 6-7 April 2011

well went to gp today or yesterday really but I haven't been to bed yet so it's still today for me and what a waste of time that was the only good thing I came out with was a tiisue to wipe my tears can't seem to stop them lately I have written a very long letter well email really and am going to send it to as many people as I can in the hopes someone will know someone who may be able to help me I cannot live like this anymore and why should I I have done nothing wrong well apart from being a good worker and to stupid to tell the manager to go and %&!* himself. If this has taught me one thing it's put yourself first always at the end of the day theey get to live a life full of what ever it is while I am wasting away for god sake (I know I don't believe but it's just a saying) I am only 42 but you think I was in my 80's can't do this can't do that well I want my life back or I don't want it all and that's how it is, how things turn out I really don't know but one way or another somethings got to change for my own sanity if nothing else 

 5/April2011

Really feel at a low ebb today don't know why just feel so sick and tired of everything and I mean everything why do I wake up in a morning what's the point all I seem to do is cause the people I care about worry and frustration.I reaaly don't know how much more I can cope with I feel so  alone and helpless and totally peed off with evertything about me 

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4/April2011

Well another week gone and nothing has changed except the fact that me being as I am seems to putting a huge strain on Phil and also our marriage.It must be really hard for him to sit a watch me be in constant pain and not be able to do anything it's also the fact that we can't do anything as a couple or a family,It's ok for my audiologist to say well if you have to go somewhere then go and if you're bad then you're bad but where is the fun and enjoyment in that I do try to enjoy myself on the very rare occassion we have gone somewhere but the noise and the pain do hinder it quite a lot and of course Phil can see this so he doesn't enjoy himself either he said last night that I am a totally different person to who I used to be now I am withdrawn and quiet where as before I was bubbly and always up for a laugh and giggle and would always go out of my way to speak to people but now I don't the reason being if we go somewhere to noisy I have to wear ear buds and I can't hear anyone talking to me so there is no point really plus the fact that what have I got to say to anyone "oh what you been up to today Jack" "well got up did a bit of housework made some cards went to bed " that's really interesting but it's all I do as I don't go anywhere to see anyone.It is not just effecting me but my whole family and no-one (medically) seems to give a toss and why should they at the end of the day they go home to their families and live a normal life go out as & when they like,no I don't stop Phil going out he goes footie with his dad and mates but that's not the point the point is we don't do things together except sit in the house yes we could go to the pub for a while but we would have go when it's quiet and by the time you have brought your drink I've had enough and can't take much more go home throw up and am ill for a couple of days so what's the point don't really know if there is a point to much at the minute.I do sometimes go to bed at night and hope I don't wake up in the morning then both Phil and Amy can get on with their lives withoput having to worry about me. I know a lot of people don't understand how much this effects me as it's things we all take for granted Like going shopping I can't do that, sitting in a room with more than one conversation going on in a waiting room is horrendous,when you say you have pain in your ears people think immediately oh you've got earache EERRR NO it is full blown pain to give you some idea imagine someone stabbing you in ear drum with a skewer or something similar and you will on the right track it takes all my energy to hold my head up  and to top it all I now have the blackouts or passing out to contend with Phil is now so scared to leave me on my own in case I go when I am on my own as it can happen anytime antwhere with out much warning like Thursay we were in the garden and he was saying something about the shed I looked up at it looked back down and the next thing I knew I was lying on the path luckily Phil had caught me but said the way I had fell if he hadn't been there I would have hit the side of the house.  Do you think this is living I don't and the medics say oh well it's vertigo so be careful what wrap up in cottonwool just in case I mean what do I have to do to be taken seriously I have lost 5.5 years of my life through this I an not going to get back broke my  foot cut my head what do I have to do break my neck.Well I am giong to the Dr's on Wednesday and see what he has to say again there has got to be some one out there that can help me,I know I won't get back to how I was before but even half way there would be something I don't want this to come between us we've been through so much together and always come out fighting and won, I just don't have much fight left at the moment and I am scared that what if nothing makes a difference I know you don't know until you try which is why I have had these injections and accupunchure and everything else I have tried

29/Marrch 2011

 Have had a very wierd couple of days again yesterday and today can't seem to settle or concerntrate for long and am feeling in a very strange mood not in a good way I haven't done any crafting either as I can't focus,  I have a few cards to do some are for DT on CCM even now I want to put something down on here but I don't know where to start. I really feel like I am being sucked into a black hole, you know when you are swimming against the tide so to speak and for each stroke you take to get forward the waves push you back even further and at this time I really feel frightened about it.What am I going to do ???? I really don't know.At this moment in time I don't feel I have the energy to do anything about it as my ears are taking so much out of me with the pain can I be bothered don't know,I feel so alone in this and I know I am feeling sorry for myself why me??? and why aren't things getting any easier.

24/March 2011

Had a few bad days last week since Tuesday started being sick with the pain and things got worse as the week went on Sunday seemed to be the breaking point and I ended up passing out and coming to on the kitchen floor Amy shouting at me to wake up and Jasper lying by my side bless monday didn't seem to bad but yesterday and today it's starting up again not helped by the fact and yes I know I haveto do it but we had to go to Merry Hill (large shopping complex ) we were only there about 3/4 of an hour but ever since the tinitus in my ears is screaming really loudly I know I have to try and carry on as normal haha well as normal as I ever was lol but it's not easy we were heading back to the car on our way home and Phil was walking a few paces behind me he spoke to me so I turned to hear him (my hearing has dropped with everything going on in them) as I turned back to see where I was going I went dizzy again and stumbled nearly falling over last thing I want to do is break me foot again or anything else so I'm feeling a bit deflated again.Did some tiding up of my craft stuff tonight so I could find my parchment bits as I have decided to give it another go I have only done a couple of these projects but I do love to see them they are so pretty and I will be doing some in the future for CCM I am really enjoying being on the team although still finding my feet I hope I don't let them down.well that's it for now going to bed in a mo see if I get some sleep not easy with the whistles and buzzing going on tho.

Tuesady 14th march

Feel better about myself these few days went to see my audiologist last week and explained to him inbetween sobs how I was feeling and he he chuckled at me not in a sarcastic way or anything but he turned and said you are being far to critical of yourself and he went through everything with me I told him I didn't feel anything was changing and what I was doing his reply was well there's a change as you wouldn't do that before and putting myself down again I said yeah but it's still painfull and no easier than before then he said but you are doing it and thats what counts now you have to carry on so it does become easier.So that made me fell a bit better still doesn't solve anything I know but it's a small step forward I s'pose.But I was at a really low ebb at the time and I think I shocked him.Well I had some good news on Suday, a while ago craftycardmakers put up a DT call and I replied to it not expecting to get anywhere there are so many of you out there that are far more talented than me but I thought I would give it a go and if I am honest I forgot about it then on Sunday I went onto my other email account and had one from Vix from  CCM asking if I was still interested derrrr of course the email was from a couple of days ago so I answered straight away I was so chuffed that they wanted me so that gave me abit more of a lift.Injection hasn't worked unfortunately so don't think I'll be having it again no point really so back to the drawing board I'd chop the blitters off but it's inside thats the problem   so that wouldn't help lol anyway see you soon

Sunday 6th march 

Today has been a pretty bad day for me since having my injection on Wednesday I have been on a slow spiral down hill and today I hit bottom. Now for some reason and he means well by it this is the time Phil decides to tell me a few home truths about myself which I know are true lol but I don't necessary want to hear especially on a day like today but it happened and what he said is true I have stopped doing a lot of things that I should be doing to help me but I feel I have no outside help and Phil and Amy can only do and take so much I know what I need to do put more noise in my life and not shut myself off but yes I have started to do this again as I seem to be getting nowhere infact I feel worse especially since having this injection so it's a vicious circle I have to put more noise into my life but this causes me more pain in turn this causes my tinnitus to flair up which in turn causes more pain I am physically sick most days with the pain and I don't feel I am getting anywhere I know I am not thwe most patient person and I want things to change asap but I have had this for 5.5 years now and still no better so what do I do I really feel like jacking it all in and giving up completely but I know this isn't an option as I love my family very much and wouldn't want to cause them more suffering than I am already.Phil says to me at times that if I have a card on the table and it goes wrong I work at it till I get it right  so do this with my ears but I can't get it through to him that a card is exactly that a piece of card I can hold it in my hands and work at it move things around or if it goes completely tits up chuck it in the bin and start a fresh,with my ears although yes it's physical it's not like having a broken leg or something to work with I can't get hands on with it the things I try cause me more pain  it's like telling someone they have to I don't know say stick pins in your eyes to make you see better if you get my meaning.So tomorrow I phoning my audiologist who I haven't heard from in a while and try to get something sorted I can't carry on like this I don't have a life you can tell that by my posts nothing ever happens I really miss going go concerts even going to a pub or shopping with Amy I made myself do it over Christmas and was ill for a few days after the same when I went to the NEC iI know I have to do these things but for a couple of hours noise I have 4 or 5 days of being ill meaning more pain more tinnitus more dizzy spells being sick   and so on.I don't have a life I just exist get up in the morning take meds pop out to local PO with Phil come take more meds then more meds  back and that's it then go to bed again WOW now I know this may come across as me feeling sorry for myself and in a way I s'pose I am but more so I am angry I have gone from working full time to this and I am starting to wander is there any point to it all I don't know .... to be continued